The end of 2010

Wednesday December 22, 2010 finds me and Penelope heading down south for the holidays. Eugene is barely 'heading south', but anything to exit the city and its confusion for a while. We arrive at my parent's house unscathed, our soundtrack to the temporary migration comprised of cumbia, salsa, reggae. As we descended in to the valley, the clouds were infinite in their expansion. Covering every aspect of the sky, every snow dusted peak. The drive to Eugene in torture, but that one stretch of highway is eternally blissful and those billowy masses never cease to amaze the weary (board) traveler. An old 'lost and gone forever' friend gets a hold of me and she and her daughter come over for a visit. We had reconciled at our 10 year high school reunion this June, but I am ever skeptical of her and her choice, so many years ago, to spiral down the dark, miserable hole of addiction and abuse. She is better now (!) I hope it stays that way, especially since she is getting married soon. Oh yes, and she is now vehemently religious. From one extreme to the next. Trading one addiction for another. Interesting.

Looking Back on 1 year.

Thinking about what I was doing one year ago from a certain date has been harder in the past then it has in these last 365 days. A year in the life of me has proven to be quite dynamic, for lack of a better word. Effervescent perhaps?... Let's take a look shall we... This is definitely a work in progress. I am sort of moving backwards and things are a little messy, but at the moment I just needed to get some thoughts written down lest I forget them. This is a work in progress and I will be adding more...

June of 2009: I decided to retire from the service industry for good. I quit my job as a barista because I had just found out that I was getting a boat-load of financial aid over the summer, and I would be able to live without a job for several months.

June 2010: I have finished working at the DRC at PSU and decide to look for a grown up job. I am working part time with my professor doing audio cataloging for the Warm Springs Language Program. I take several trips out to Warm Springs Reservation. I also get a job working for Portland Public schools.

July of 2009: I go to Idaho for a week and a half with Penelope. We hangout at the lake house, I contemplate my upcoming trip, but also my decision to drop out of the Linguistics Grad program. I decide to study Film. I am thrilled by this decision and know that it is the right move for me.

July 2010: This is a most peculiar summer. Very over cast, not very warm or sunny. We only get a few weeks during the entire summer that actually resembles summer. Forth of July party at Anton's house.

August 2009: The last 2 weeks of August I am traveling through Cuba and Mexico. One of the most transformative times of my life. Traveling alone has opened my eyes to the unadulterated beauty and kindness of people. Being vulnerable is bliss. Meeting strangers that become friends. Kissing French boys and causing trouble with Texans. Seeing pyramids and swimming cenotes. Best trip ever. I return the 1st of September and hurt the boy I was dating before I left. We haven't talked since.

August 2010: I interview for and am offered a full time job as a paraeducator with Portland Public Schools. I real job. That pays $15.25 an hour. With benefits for me and Penelope. I feel very grown up.

September 2009: I start some film classes and I enjoy them enough. Too much theory and not enough action.

September 2010: I begin work and I am enjoying it very much. I love getting all the school holidays off. And the big paychecks.

October 2009: After a very rowdy Halloween party at my house and bar hopping with the whole gang, we end up back at my place and party some more. I had recently stopped seeing a boy I really liked because he still lived with his (kinda) ex-girlfriend. I had started spending time with another boy who played an interesting part in an intimate get-together with a girlfriend and me, but ended up having an old friend/fling stay the night with me. The next day was kickball. The first boy showed up. He was moving back to the East coast in a few days. After the game second boy came over to watch a movie, then I met up with first boy to say goodbye to him. I loved him. We ended up driving to the beach that night and slept side by side. The next day was one of the most beautiful days on the coast. We spent the entire day laying out in the sun. I start volunteering for Wisdom of the Elders. They pay for my video production classes at PCM.

October 2010: I am offered a paid position at Wisdom. I am the Community Outreach Coordinator. I plan a trip to NYC to visit one of my best friends. I see my first Broadway play and a whole new side to New York that I didn't see the first time around. Halloween party starts at my house then goes downtown. Dancing, Poteen, walks home with Isaac. A pretty good night! Cassie opens MAG BIG!!!

November 2009: I plan a trip to Miami to visit a friend. Wild and crazy times. Boy #1 and I try to figure out a way to be together. We decide that he should move back. Thanksgiving at Gerow's house. Almost everyone who shows up is a friend of mine. Lots of food, wine, games, drinking at the bar. I end up crashing in Penelope's room while she is with the grandparents. I weird interaction with Gerow's then girlfriend in the hallway.

November 2010: Thanksgiving at my house this year with my family and friends and Gerow's parents. A ton of amazing veggie options and other food! We play games, Salad Bowl makes an appearance and everyone has a great time. Mom, Beth, Garrett, Isaac, and I end the night walking to mom's hotel room and having a late night party with cards, wine and jumping on the bed. The next morning we all go out for breakfast at City State Diner, then back home to clean the house.

December 2009: My birthday with Beth, Garrett, Gerow, P, Mcnair at El Tapatio. Then home for wine and reminiscing over a box full of old love letters from Brett Johnson! ha! The Farm-actually that was birthday 2008!!! 2009 birthday was spent with a bunch of the gang going to Darcelle's then drinks and back to my house for a slumber party! Then breakfast at Geanie's the next morning. The Farm holiday party went as following: Cassie's boyfriend was hitting on other girls, we got very drunk, Cassie shoulder checked them as she ran out the door. Later we went to Rontoms and I met "Princeton". A very sexy rocker-albeit kindy douchey guy. Cane, drinks and a good buy kiss ended the night.

December 2010: Boyfriend and I break up 3 days before my birthday, but we decide to go out to dinner anyway at DOC. 5 course meal, wine paring and 3 hours later, we go to the Bye and Bye under false pretenses and the gang in waiting there for me as a surprise! With the way the night went and with the the present he gave me ~ Penelope and the Sea picture~ I am really confused about my decision. I come across a comedian that has changed my outlook on my personal life a bit. Russel Brand. What ever stigma there is behind his outlandish ways, I have found comfort in his eccentricities, his blinding wit, and sexual confidence. I am just trying to channel some of that and other qualities form people that I admire. New birthday, new me. I friend's birthday on the 19th turns into an amazing opportunity to catch up, meet new people, drink bloody marys, and explore some of that new channeled confidence. Amazing. The next day finds me at The Farm holiday party. Not as eventful as last year's party.

Short but Poignant

These two thoughts have been with me this week:

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow
-Langston Hughs

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” - Oscar Wilde

The beginning of the end has just begun

One of the best days of my life was with you. We went to the beach. We slept in each other's arms. You placed around my neck, something so dear to you, I knew we would always be together... Now I am alone. You have gone. I asked you to leave. You deceived me. I am a fool. But I won't be tricked again. You said that you would change, that you loved me more than anything... that I destroyed your life. That I would never find anyone who would love me half as much as you would. I think that YOU are the fool, now. You threw away the best thing in your life, Me. You realize your mistake, as do I, but I'm not going to forgive you. We slept in cars and traveled over mountain ranges, we were the only lovers for thousands of miles... stay gold, you said. You will eventually mean nothing to me, become nothing but a very faded memory... everything about our life together will be as if it never existed...everything except that day at the beach. You can't take that.

Winter Solstice

Today marks the gradual shortening of nights and lengthening of days... and the rain has begun. The kind of drizzle that soaks through Gortex, through bone. It is what makes the winter months here so unbearable, especially when one is alone. But does one respond by living the life of hermitage, or, go out? Rejoice in all that is drenched and saturated!... see what is surrounded in a fresh, dew-covered new light! Copious amounts of wine, food, and good company will be in abundance tonight, and I wish the same for all! Happy Winter Solstice.

Nostalgia

Nostalgia grips at me during this particular holiday. Nostalgia is my heart deceiving my head; lustfully remembering what I did and did not have. Knowing that I will grow old with him but not WITH him. Knowing that he is not with me yet can never leave me.
As people come and people go, the ebb and flow of experiences and intimate moments...alludes me. I believe that instances of vulnerability, magic, wonder, and suffering are captured in the heart's consciousness, a recollection of one hundred lifetimes. The soul may ache with the affliction of remembering, but it is nothing more or less than just that. Instead of fighting to forget, I open up to the overwhelming waves and embrace each fleeting memory as if it were my last, allowing the one hundred lives of me to submerge again into my grateful and weeping heart.

1,2,3 Goodbye

123 goodbye
I love you more in death
Than I ever could in life
123 all sigh
When the dollar is young
And the year is new
Me and the full Wolf Moon
Will be over you
Unto the nighttime
I dream for you 12 sparrows pretty in a row
1 and 23 eyes open to the risen scarecrow
With his mind all blown
Down those hay lined roads
To his farmer's throne

It was happy 123
It was sad 123
We were happy once you and me
When we were sad

Once upon a time
We were happy in the bathtub
In the abacus of the rains
Once upon a time
We take our laughter to the blackboard
With a calculus of pain
And with good news from the weather vein
We'll go our separate ways

It was happy 123
It was sad 123
We were happy once you and me
When we were sad

Once in a lifetime
When the dollar is young and the year is new
Once in a lifetime
Will the undoing of two souls be so easy to do
Like it was for me, like it was for you
When you find somebody who's so very easy to lose

It was happy 123
It was sad 123
We were happy once you and me when we were sad
123 goodbye, goodbye
Ready? 123 goodbye
Steady! 123 goodbye
Nice to know you! three goodbye
It's very nice to meet you! three goodbye
Are you ready? 123 GOODBYE
(Elvis Perkins in Dearland)